Fid and his Keyboard (AKA, the true meaning of the word "Yeechh!")

Written in 2005

I noticed the other day while gaming, that my keys were sticking a tad on the left side of the keyboard, especially the QWERTYASD keys. Being a smoker, I immediately suspected nicotine invasion of the keyboard. The part that puzzled me is that my ashtray is on the RIGHT side of the keyboard. Surely the right side should have cancer before the left? Being in a slightly ambitious mood I decided it was time to clean the keyboard.

A little back history on this particular keyboard is in order. I have one of the original cordless keyboards that Logitech made, so this baby is fairly old in keyboard years. It's ergonomic and I can type fairly quickly and for long periods on it so replacement isn't an option in my mind unless it dies.

Considering I'm also a gamer, the Proud Keeper of the Sacred Bullet Magnet© at Ioncross and a programmer, it's surprising that it's lived this long considering the punishment it takes when a program crashes before I save the changes or I die in a game. You wouldn't live long either if every time this happened a fist pummeled you. Considering whose keyboard this is, you can imagine that this is a frequent occurrence.

Anyway, since I'm getting old and my eyes aren't what they used to be, I figured that I should remove the keyboard to a well-lighted area so I could inspect it. Big mistake! What slob owns this keyboard??? Yech! Uh, OK… Um, I guess I shouldn't put things off so often because this thing was disgusting! How could it possibly still work through all this dirt, dust and nicotine?

So, I break out the box of Q-Tips (Cotton Swabs) and the Windex (Cleaning Fluid). I remove the batteries and decided to take the plunge. Dousing the keyboard with a generous helping of cleaning fluid, I noticed that as fast as I was spraying it on, it was dripping globs of brown goo off. Double-Yech! OK, over the garbage can it goes.

As the offending results of my mad cleaning efforts dripped into the can, I noticed that it's dripping from the edge of the keyboard where the plastic seam is. That can't be a good sign at all! I must have gotten it inside the device and now it's completely soaked on the inside as well. That's just great! Now I have to take it apart and make sure I dry it out so it doesn't short out. I get out my little screwdriver set and prepare to go in.

Now, mind you this is a really old keyboard and it's never given me a problem so I have never had a reason to open it. I carefully unscrew each screw being careful to not lodge it loose from the hole until I'm ready to remove them. Once they're all loose I quickly flip it upside-down so that all the screws will land directly under their corresponding holes just in case some are longer than others. Immediately all eight screws go flying all over the place thus proving to me once again that Murphy's Law will always visit my house no matter how well I plan for his arrival.

After finding the last stubborn screw that had conveniently found the nearest piece of furniture to hide under in of course the darkest shadow, I start to carefully pry up the plastic release tabs that are holding the front cover on. Once the last clip lets go without breaking I sigh a breath of relief that at least that part of the Operation went without any major catastrophes. The top is finally separated from the bottom and I'm ready to move on and dry everything out.

I carefully lift the top cover off the bottom a little bit and peek in the crack. I immediately drop the top cover and step back a few steps! Yechhhh!!! What kind of slob owns this keyboard? Where'd all that GUNK come from? I've been touching this thing? Double-Yech! Shudder…

Well, it isn't going to clean itself so I bravely move on. I warn The Wife that I'm going in and that if something should happen to me I love her dearly and my Life Insurance policy is up to date and paid.

Using more cotton swabs than I've used on my ears all year, I start wiping out the MUCK from the keyboard. I gently pry up a few keys at a time, working from the sticky left side to the right. It immediately hits me that I do not have this entire keyboard layout thing memorized and that the "W" key does NOT belong all the way to the left. Otherwise why would they call it a QWERTY keyboard? I now have a WEQTRY keyboard, and even though I'm a bit eccentric, even I don't want to be THAT different.

K, back to carefully prying off the keys and replacing them in the proper order… I'm going to remember that that for the first time an employee aggravates me at work by spilling something in their keyboard. I'll tell them it's the latest craze: The ACBDFE layout!

As I'm cleaning, I'm noticing two things. The first thing is that there's enough DNA evidence in this thing so that I never have to worry about being identified. It's amazing how much body hair you shed and I guess I know where it's been going all these years. Yech! The second thing I notice is that this keyboard was built before things got really cheap. There's a plastic tray that protects the actually flex board and all the Windex that I was worried about is safely sitting in the tray instead of lying on the business part of the keyboard. It dawns on me that I never had to take it apart and that it would have been fine because the Windex would have dried without ever touching anything important inside.

I finish removing all the offending yechiness and start to close like a heart surgeon. It's a good thing for me that all the screws are identical and the same length, especially after "The Great Screw Disaster of 2005" that occurred when I first started. I finish assembling my baby, pop a set of fresh batteries in and I'm ready to test out my ancient keyboard.

The first thing I notice is that I actually have to type on the keys that were sticking. No more semi-dead keys. I guess I was getting lazy and my left pinky took a break for a while. The second thing I noticed is that I can actually read the letters!

An extra bonus surfaced from this exercise. That sticky sensation I used to get on my fingers while typing on it has all but vanished in the garbage can along with an entire bottle of Windex! It's almost like having a new keyboard without the hassles of actually going to the store and getting a new one!

So here I sit typing away on my nice, clean keyboard sharing one of the most disgusting experiences of my life with you. Do any of YOU have the guts to clean YOUR keyboard?

***Update, this keyboard was replaced with a Logitech G-15. It's already met a quick death and I'm sure it's replacement will meet the same fate! ***