Ok, what on god's green earth could someone write about a mundane chore as feeding the cats? Lots… Because I have a lot of them. If you only have one or two cats, you're not going to understand what it's like living with nine... Yes, I said nine and they have formed a Pride, just like you see on Discovery or TLC.
This is a typical Sunday afternoon around here…
"Meow… Me-ew… Eh meow"… That's Sam, my Big Boy. He's rather vocal and we have wonderful conversations when he's in the mood to talk. Since he only likes to talk when he's hungry, we have this conversation frequently: He's ALWAYS hungry. "Sam, it's early, you have to wait half an hour, it's not time yet." This is usually answered by something like this: "Me me ek eh mow me ow eh." The Language of Cat, being a vocal language is not very friendly to the written word so I'm not sure if I got that just right there. There's some subtle hiss and purr with a touch of guttural in there that I cannot really convey.
"No Sam, it's early, sorry dude, you really have to wait and that's final." Now, I don't know how to say "F**k You" in Cat, but I'm pretty sure that's what this means: "Meeek ehhhwww." He always says that the same way every time I tell him he has to wait, so I'm going to assume I have that translated correctly.
Now, you need to realize that this cat is standing on his back legs to be as tall as possible during this entire conversation, much like a 2 year-old. He's also a rather large cat so he really is trying to look me in the eye and talk. He puts great effort into anything food, be it getting into the pantry and chewing his way through a plastic container or learning how to open the fridge. If it's food, he's motivated and I admire his tenacity for it. If only people were this dedicated to things that are important to them.
So, it's finally time and now we go through the "Round up" procedure. "Who's Hungry? Do I have any customers? Places everyone places! Kat, round up the troops!" No, dead serious… I say this every day, every time and these guys know what it means! Little furry blurs come out of the wood work. Why do we go through this? Well, you didn't think that nine cats would all be on the same diet did you? Silly you, of course not!
Let's see, Beau, Scooter, Max and Foxy get feed in the dining room, Sam, Katrina, Biscuit (AKA A$$hole), Sparky & Molly all feed in the kitchen. So the first thing to do is get them separated, hence the announcement that it's now time to stop watching Cat TV and get their furry little butts where they belong.
After role call, I go through the "Where's the bowls" quest. Usually they're were we left them last time, but sometimes they like to knock them behind things and the like. Now there's also a timing issue here. Who woulda thought, right? If the cats in the Kitchen finish eating before the cats in the dinning room, opening the door to give them water usually leads to A$$hole bolting through the tiny space with Sam & Molly hot on his heels.
So first things first, all bowls in the kitchen? Check. Bowls laid out in order of feeding? Check. OK, this is the tricky part. I have Sam and Biscuit with their paws up damn near to the counter trying to sell me, in Cat no less, that they are starving and their master hasn't feed them in a week. We have Sparky sitting on the couch verbally confirming their plight while Kat is circling the two boys and me. She is truly "Rounding up" the troops. She runs the show around here and they know it, so they pretty much go where ever she happens to be circling, which is always around me, so it works out… Our newest addition contents herself to becoming a Cat Trap, wrapping herself in and out of my legs, in what I truly think, is an attempt to trip me so I drop the food all over the floor prematurely.
Here's comes the timing part. Both Kat & Sparky will eat out of the same bowl politely, the Boys & Molly will not, hence we have one big bowl and three smaller. I hook the two small ones with the fingers of my right hand and grab the girls bowl in my left. "OK, Places! Ladies first, Germs Second" I call out. Molly is a head diver so I always throw her bowl down first so I can walk without getting tripped.
Kat stops her dizzying spectacle and hops up on the couch and I drop the bowl between the both of them just as she arrives. The whole time, I'm waving the bowls in my right hand to keep the boys on the floor begging. First one bowl, then the second and a quick head adjustment to get Sam's head out of Biscuit's and into his own. Told ya, he's the kitty with the plan. If he can eat the other cat's food first, who's gonna know, right? Now that we have Molly, this dance has become a 3 ring circus.
Here comes stage two and this is the part where timing is essential. I lay out the other 4 bowls, glance at Sam to make sure he's still occupied and open the pantry where we keep the dry food. As quickly as I can, with grace that only someone truly has done this countless times before, I grab the dry food container, pour the required amounts into the bowls and whisk the container away in a flash. I mean, I have this down so fast it's like 3-5 seconds and the door's closed.
I stack the 4 bowls in the order that the feeding will take place on the other side of the door. Checking again on Sam's progress and redirecting his head yet again to his own bowl, I make the dash to the door, slip through and intercept Foxy who is trying to get into the Kitchen. I drop her bowl and get a "Meow" of thanks, plop Beau's in front of him while he stares at me in disappointment that it's not wet food, Scooter and then… where the heck is Max? "Max? Max?"
Now Max is the cat that cannot be touched. We got him a little too late, and although after many hours of working with Scooter to get him to allow me to pet him, it's still a no go with Max. He just doesn't want people to touch him. If you try, you better count your fingers and toes after because you're gonna get hurt. He also likes to sing for his dinner but it takes a few minutes for him to warm up.
"ehh.. ehhh…. Ehhh Meow!" from under the safety of a chair where he's been watching my feet. "There you are, here." Now, I mean feral when I say no touchie with Max. I SLIDE the bowl over to him so he will eat without freaking out.
I grab their water dish and listen for Sam on the other side of the door, no shadows so either he's still eating or he's eating someone else's food again. Slipping the door quietly, I slip inside to get water, checking Sam's position in the room. "SAM!!! GOD DARN IT! GET OUTTA THEIR DISH YOU FAT SOB!" Since this is normal, I get the customary "Meeek ehhhwww" from him as he grabs one last mouthful from the Ladie's bowl and runs back to his.
Getting the water to the other cats go without a hitch and there's no food left in the Kitchen, now I get to clean up and… ZIP, quick as an eye, A$$hole slipped past me going back in. I swear he must have super kitty powers of slipperiness because trying to catch this cat is like a greased pig sometimes. "Hey! Get back here Biscuit!" And now you know why I call him "A$$hole"… Much crashing, Max is hissing at me, Scooter is looking at me like I'm crazy and I have a grip on Biscuit only to lose it again as he dashes toward the next bowl. He finally is out of bowls and sullenly "Allows" me to catch him and return him to the kitchen.
Imagine, this was a Sunday and not a Monday morning. Good thing I like animals or there would be Kitty stew for dinner one night…
, You Tube
